When one of my children was in 2nd grade his teacher went away for a few months. Towards the end of the year she finally returned and I didn’t think much of it until all the parents received an email from one of the other parents. It turns out the teacher had attempted suicide and had gone away for treatment, therapy, and personal time until she was ready to return.
The following is part of an exchange of emails I took part it. The whole episode frenzied me up into a moral outrage, and I believe with that as my muse, resulted in me creating some of my best writing. I look back at most things I write years later with a certain degree of embarrassment. These emails are included in the rare exceptions.
All the parents, the school principal, and one of the members of the County Board of Education were sent these emails, but most of the exchanges took place between me and another parent. To protect identities, I have changed the name of the other parent to “Mr. Jones” and the name of the teacher to “Mrs. Smith”.
So, the email that started it all, from Mr. Jones….
Dear Parents,
It is deep regret that I must send this information!
As per the request of many parents who wish to remain anonymous, I’ve promised to take the information they’ve given me and distribute among you all in hopes that you will have what you need to make an informed decision.
I must admit when I first learned about this troubling information I was taken back; [my son], [my wife] and I adore and respect Mrs. Smith as a teacher, and I know that it might seem a bit heartless for us to abandon ship after her return, but when the Second Grade teachers are wondering where the outrage is from us parents about her overall demeanor, then perhaps we might want to take a closer look at what’s really going on.
I have also attached a letter which I wrote [a member] of the Madison County Board of Education; perhaps you will find it enlightening
The parents that I mention herein and I are hoping that this matter will be resolved by Monday and therefore we as parents will not have to take any further action. However, most of us are keeping our children out of school tomorrow for obvious safety reasons.
Furthermore, if we are unable to achieve our desired outcome by Monday, we would ask that you join us in our picketing the school where I have already spoken with a couple of media connections to cover the matter.
Thank you for you undivided attention regarding this matter and I hope that we can finish the school year on a positive note!
Sincerely,
Mr. JonesPS – The image that I’m attaching is viewable at https://www.facebook.com/
PPS – I’ve let practically everything I’ve recently heard about Mrs. Smith go in one ear out the other [sic], however I cannot simply sit back allow my children to be in a school where a teacher openly talks about Suicide and going to Therapy. Please pay particularly close attention to the quote “You would think suicide was contagious.” I’m not sure why she’s changed her Facebook name to “SOME NEW NAME”.
My immediate reply…
Mr. Jones,
What exactly are the safety concerns? I have not been worried personally about my son’s safety, and I don’t want to be alarmed without due cause. Is she a danger to the students or herself in the classroom, or is this more about preserving our children’s innocence? I whole-heartedly want my own son to be as innocent as possible for as long as possible; but, I don’t want to go to extremes over something that can be addressed more amicably.
Do we know how much she has openly discussed her attempted suicide in the classroom? All my son knows is that “her medicine got stuck in her tummy”. That may be more than he needs to know, but I feel that level of sharing is far from requiring us to take action. Perhaps she has spoken about it more than that and my son has been oblivious to it. Her Facebook page is slightly off-putting. But, children under 13 aren’t legally allowed to be on Facebook, so I wouldn’t expect them to have seen it. I know my son hasn’t. And I certainly would not have myself if you had not brought it to my attention.
My first instinct is for the welfare of my child. My second, however, is to be sympathetic to the plight of Mrs. Smith. My desire would be that both can co-exist. If not, I would certainly put my child first. From what I’ve seen, I personally believe Mrs. Smith to be a perfectly acceptable teacher. My first reaction to the news was that she needs our help, support and prayers.
From your reaction though, I feel that I must be ignorant of all the facts. Please enlighten me further with any pertinent information.
Thank you very much,
David Mitchell
Mr. Jones’s reply to me, with all still included as recipients…
Hi David,
My purpose here is not to create panic. It is my intent however to be cautious, not over protective, not a hate-monger, but merely proactive so as to protect my child’s well-being in the best manner possible.
As I mentioned, I was asked by others who know far more than I about the goings on at [the elementary school] with regards to this matter. My family and I also find Mrs. Smith to be an excellent teacher, but from what I’ve seen and been told something appears to have changed.
I will say this, when an educated person such as Mrs. Smith openly writes – – – for the world to see – – – and the topic of Suicide is even remotely mentioned (not jokingly), chances are that thought is in the forefront of their thinking mind, and it scares me to think that a person who has no more regard for life than to commit Suicide (not saying she has) would most certainly have little compassion for the lives of others.
Furthermore, when other second grade teachers discuss in great detail about our lack of outrage and their desire to take over the class (as I’m told), then I personally feel there is reason for concern.
I did as I was asked and delivered the information so that you would have the opportunity to make your own informed decision. From what I’ve been told, there have been at least four parents who’ve approached [the principal] about Mrs. Smith’s demeanor and they’ve all been told the matter is being looked into.
I hope this helps!
Sincerely,
Mr. JonesPS – I wasn’t assuming or precluding that your child read Facebook, I was merely providing some information regarding the conduct of the person who is among our children every single day.
After doing further research and talking to whoever I could about the situation, I wrote one of my proudest emails, using Shakespeare as my inspiration. There were a few other minor exchanges, so you may be missing some of the full context, including that she changed her Facebook name to something along the lines of “Suzie McCrazy” (but actually not even as bad as that), and that one of the major contentions was that she was taken out of context saying “You would think suicide was contagious” when ranting on Facebook about how her fellow teachers were treating her at school. Mr. Jones and his cohort seemed to want to twist her saying this into that she believed that it was indeed contagious. My reply…
After further consideration and more fully apprising myself of the facts I am now prepared to offer my own Summary of Opinions, which you will find to be a polar opposite to that of Mr. Jones’ expressed opinions. As such, I don’t expect many to agree. However, I submit that those who disagree will find each point, in the least, plausible.
Much Ado About Facebook
What is in a name?
(Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II)
The reason for the name change is actually given in one of the posts. Mrs. Smith wanted to clear house and found it easier to remove the entire identity and start anew, rather than manually delete people. Her expectation appears to be that her new Facebook friends would all now be family and people she trusted. The fact that we all saw the page proves that somebody violated that trust. Her Facebook page, quite frankly, is none of my business and none of anyone else’s business.
I don’t know where the new name comes from. Personally, I find it to be a slightly self-deprecating joke, which I find amusing and perhaps even healthy. (Since Mr. Jones believes that “educated” people only talk of suicide in a joking manner, certainly he cannot object to this point.)Suicide is not contagious
Imagine Mrs. Smith returning to work, feeling quite embarrassed already, and then finding her peers and supposed friends ostracizing her and treating her as one with the plague. “You would think suicide was contagious” in this context is a concise statement of fact. I cannot see the harm in this, and is a quite understandable reaction to the treatment she received from her fellow teachers.
Judge not by the content of their Facebook page, but by the content of their character
(I Have a Dream, Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963)
Facebook is used by many people in many different ways for many different reasons. I couldn’t care less what is on anyone’s wall. If one wants to use it as a place to vent or use as a personal diary, while perhaps unwise, it is their prerogative. I personally don’t have time to dig through other people’s pages and read wild assumptions into their posts.
Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word
(The Comedy of Errors, Act III, Scene II)
Based on the behavior of Mrs. Smith’s fellow Second Grade teachers as described above, I assume that the discussions amongst them was gossip and backbiting. I strive to pay as little attention as possible to such babble. The danger of gossip is that a baseless frenzy can be manufactured. I keep hearing of “details” they were discussing. Since I have yet to hear one detail of merit, I account Mr. Jones’ retelling of this as hearsay.
A fool, a fool, I saw a fool with a picket sign i’ the forest
(As You Like It, Act II, Scene VII)
Talking about picketing the school and calling attention to the media has the feel of a child threatening to throw a temper tantrum if he doesn’t get his way. This would take an embarrassing situation for Mrs. Smith and turn it into a humiliating one. Besides, I can’t imagine how protesting a woman who attempted suicide FOR attempting suicide wouldn’t make one look like a total jerk and actually the bad guy. It is an extremely hostile act on a vulnerable woman and I believe most people, including the media, would see it that way.
To be, or not to be, that is the question
(Hamlet, Act III, Scene I)
None of the above points really matter. The crux of the issue comes down to the safety of our children. The fear stated by Mr. Jones, that Mrs. Smith somehow doesn’t value the life of our children, seems preposterous to me and is an assumption based on an assumption. Firstly, the assumption that one who attempts suicide doesn’t value their own life. This may very well be true, but perhaps not in all cases. Unless you know the entire circumstances it is impossible to pass judgment. Furthermore, the assumption that if she doesn’t value her own life, that she then must not value anyone else’s. This shows a total lack of understanding about depression. To make such a claim, I’d need to see cited evidence that those who have attempted suicide are afterwards more dangerous to others. I highly doubt any such evidence exists because depression simply doesn’t work that way.
Conclusion
I feel completely safe with my child in Mrs. Smith’s classroom. However, if anyone does feel that their children are in mortal danger, then they should be allowed to move their child to a different class. If I were Mrs. Smith, I would be appalled at the violation of my privacy. I think it would be a shame, and I would be very upset, if Mrs. Smith lost her job over this.
This last email resulted in a flood of emails to me directly, all very supportive. Mr. Jones’ reply to me included everyone, and becomes more formal…
Dear Mr. Mitchell,
First and foremost, as you will read in the following document (in red) sent to me from one of the parents that asked for my help, the opinions that I’ve offered are not solely of mine. As I mentioned previously, I am the conduit for those concerned for their children (as am I) and angered at the system.
To rebut your attack on me personally, I never said “Educated only talk of suicide in a joking manner” – – – just the opposite actually! I too have compassion for persons who’ve experienced problems like Mrs. Smith, as someone I loved also experienced it. I have NEVER mentioned any details about Mrs. Smith’s absence since I do not know first-hand what exactly happened – – – therefore I have NOT retold anything that could possibly be misconstrued as hearsay! Picketing was not my idea and I too hope that this matter can be amicably resolved and each of our children can finish the year healthy & happy! By your own admission you are not qualified to make a judgment about the mental capacity of those who actually attempt suicide (by the way I never said Mrs. Smith ever attempted suicide), and until you have loved someone who has has attempted suicide on more than six separate occasions you cannot begin to know the pain they can inflict emotionally!
Thank you for letting me vent. Please understand that I was chosen to make each of you aware of the situation and not to instill upon you my personal opinion. As I’ve mentioned, my personal opinion is, my family adores and respects Mrs. Smith for what she’s done for my son this year and I sincerely hope she is able to teach for the next 50 years is she so desires, but perhaps she came back to work a little sooner than she should have… that’s my personal opinion!
Mr. Jones
After a few more minor exchanges between smaller groups I then sent one final full group email…
I’m done discussing Facebook and gossip and rumors. I’ve said my piece on that, and I personally believe it is superfluous.
The important part is if we feel our children are safe or not. From everything I’ve seen, I feel safe. The latest email from Mr. Jones showed me that someone had a breakdown, they went away for awhile to get the help they need, and now they are back. I have no problem with that at all.
I also have no problem if somebody wants their own child moved to a different class. I feel every parent should be able to make those types of decisions for their own children. The problem was an apparently small group trying to speak for everyone. So I felt it important to voice my own opinion.
I’m glad there seems to be no more talk of picketing or other extreme actions. I can’t speak for the school, but I would hope the principal could address individual concerns as needed without it becoming a huge public scene.
Also, I apologize if my earlier email was a bit caustic. I was attempting to demonstrate that there is a completely opposite viewpoint. I don’t expect anyone to agree with everything I said in that; mostly I was trying to make a point and I may have approached hyperbole. However, I do stand by my points.
David Mitchell
After sending this last email the issue appeared to drop. Mr. Jones’ child moved to another class, but nobody else’s did. Most parents supported all the class activities and were very supportive of Mrs. Smith for the remainder of the year. The subject never came up as we all mingled in person over several occasions during the last weeks of school. Mrs. Smith taught at a different school the following year.